Saturn Return

For New Years, I spent an amazing weekend in New York with my best friend from medical school.  Honestly, it was everything and we didn’t even do anything crazy!!  Definitely no Times Square!  It was a simple plan of enjoying the city and its holiday traditions… lights… window displays…music…. and hanging out with old and new friends.  The older I get, the more I become aware of and appreciate what each friend brings to my life.  And this woman of course brings love, but she also exudes feminism and LGBTQIA equality.  She surrounds herself with these extremely outgoing, ‘I’m going to say what’s own my mind, I don’t care what you think’ type of woman. And I love it. It’s fearless. It’s courageous.  Its like ‘hey this is me… you fuck wit it or nah… if you don’t there’s the door.’  It’s the introvert in me that loves a good extrovert.


So we attend her friend’s New Year’s Eve house gathering.  The women start to play this game (I never asked what it was called)… which is basically a bunch of sensitive questions that everyone in the group has to answer. This is the non-sexual game.  There’s a similar game with some ridiculous questions. So the girl says, ‘If you’re going to sit down, you have to participate! Because I’m not going to be saying all this sensitive stuff and you not contribute.” Okay bet homegirl.  Completely nervous about it though. But I’ve been practicing this group interaction (with new people), speaking up type thing.  I can do this. (don’t hate on me)  So at some point in the game this question comes up: “When did you have to re-invent yourself and why?” So homegirl, starts discussing the concept of Saturn Return (look it up) that one experiences between like 29 and 32.

My reinvention of self started around 27.  But I was just doing different shit.  I wasn’t deciphering life. That started around 29.  The examination of self and the subsequent changes to make a better life happened the end of 30 through 31.  So as this woman is discussing Saturn Return, I’m thinking this is legit.  The point of this is that 2017 gave me the most growth during my Saturn Return… I figured out my nightmares, I let go of a bad relationship and now understand what it takes for me to walk away from situations that I know is not for me (even before it becomes a situation), I began to understand my season of singleness, I worked on my finances and I learned to separate myself from other peoples pain.  All these things were major for me and overcoming them brought me great happiness!

So crazy enough, the most important lesson that I learned in 2017 was happiness. I use to bottle every single emotion I felt. And trust that doesn’t help you find true happiness. Hiding emotions for me… was the root of me having to deal with similar circumstances over and over again. And when I didn’t confront how I felt it just pulled me deeper into the darkness. So somehow in Spring 2017, I said fuck that… I’m just going to figure this shit out (older post). And ever since I’ve been more honest with myself, those I love and the people that I invite into my life. A part of that honesty is being less afraid to tell people how I feel. It’s hard for me. I’m a person that doesn’t speak my mind often because I don’t want to offend people. I need to think before I talk because I want to be sure that others realize that what I’m saying is coming from a safe place… coming from my heart. But I also need to understand where someone else is coming from before I speak. I don’t like to pass judgment and surely hate to gossip. And I don’t like to be vulnerable.

So I started to be more present in life. I started to participate in conversation a little bit more. And this is why I appreciate my extroverted friends because generally around them, I have to do things in public that would make me uncomfortable if I were alone.

In 2018, I will continue to build on my past lessons but I project that I’ll have some interesting lessons on love and dating, patience and consistency.

Love and dating… the most annoying. 2017 ended with married men trying to get at me and 40 year olds thinking they could control me. I can’t fathom the idea that I’m of the age where 40 year old men are trying to talk to me. Ill! If dude is older than my brother, we don’t have a future. Seriously. And the idea of anyone controlling me… well that’s never going to happen. I’m all good for compromises, but dude has to let me be me. So if this is essentially how 2018 started. I don’t think I’m truly ready for the rest of year. But patience!

Patience is something I’m absolutely horrible with. When I want something, I want it now and when I don’t get it… I’m like WTF is this?? (eye roll) The Lord is working on me okay. There are two things I need patience with… love and new work experiences. I verbally accepted a position as a medical director for a methadone clinic and part of that duty includes building a primary care clinic. It’s literally my dream job, minus the fact that I don’t own the practice. Although it’s the only position I’ve ever wanted as a doctor, it’s an uncomfortable position for me because I’ve lived life in the background. Now I have to be more verbal, assertive and present at work. And the fact that I have to be the leader of conflict resolution when everything about me avoids conflict… is absurd. Beyond the director duties, in building a practice I have to be able to focus on one thing at a time and that requires patience. It also requires consistency. But I got this! At least that’s what my friends tell me. Truth.

Overall 2017 was a crazy hard year for me… but it was also crazy successful.  It’s a New Year now.  New joys and sorrows to experience.  New life to live and this year I really want to focus on living.  I’ve been in school for literally 31 years.  And it’s been stressful and I’ve been broke and there have been plenty of sacrifices.  But now I understand the importance of happiness and balance.  I want to do things that make me laugh and selfishly I want to look good doing it.  I have a different attitude about life now.  I pray more.  I smile more.  I’m less guarded. And I let go of things that just aren’t for me. I hope that God continues to show me the way.

A new year meets an even better me!!  Happy New Year!


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